Don’t Suffer the Consequences of “Yes”

Do you struggle with the simplicity and beauty of “no”?

Many of us find uttering the word “no” impossible. What is it about this tiny, two-letter word, that fills us with such dread? It’s easy enough to write. It’s easier still to say. Yet, when we need to speak it, when we should bring this marvel of language into conversation, we often hesitate. Why? Is it possible we’re not thinking about the word itself, but rather the implications of invoking it, about what happens if we deny a request?

If we’re not thinking about what we want, what we need in the moment, what’s best for us, right then, right there, we’re anticipating future outcomes. Or maybe we’re reliving a prior experience where there were consequences for looking out for ourselves. Who’d want to do that? Who’d want to suffer the agony of whatever may come when we can circumvent the issue by acquiescing? The problem is when we refuse to use the word, we’re moved from the here and now. We’ve stopped listening to ourselves.

Listen to yourself.

Don’t reject the power of “no.” Don’t take on tasks you have neither the interest in nor capacity for. Don’t suffer the consequences of “yes.”

If you’re one of the people who can’t say the word “no,” practice makes perfect. Start when you’re alone. Speak the word. Say it aloud. Say it often. Say it in front of the mirror. Say it like you mean it.

Because you do.

 

 

Feel the Fear – And Do Nothing

Let’s talk about fear. Not the things we’re afraid of for good reason. like sticking our hands into fire because ow! What we’re talking about today is the fear we manufacture, the fear we magnify, the fear we run from, the fear we conjure when our minds do what they do.

Fear of our own making.

So let’s use our time here, let’s use this post to stake our claim: let’s do nothing in the face of something we fear.

We won’t run.

We won’t hide.

We won’t shrink back.

We won’t avert our eyes.

Let’s think about something that frightens us. Maybe an overdue conversation with a loved one or coworker. Maybe taking up a new hobby. Maybe speaking in front of an audience. Maybe failing a class. Maybe speaking to a stranger.

Let’s think about that thing.

Got it?

Good.

Now, let’s feel the fear.

What kind of quality does it have? Is it coiling like a snake? Is it buzzing like a bee? Is it like a lump in the pit of your stomach?

Sit.

Breathe.

Examine. What it is. Why it is. How it is.

Give yourself some time to feel what you feel, however you feel it.

Now, let the feeling go.

Once you’ve felt the fear, you can choose to ignore it. Or you can embrace it, climb into every ounce of it, and use it like a cudgel.

You decide. Not the fear.

Now Is The Time

Do you have a project you haven’t gotten to, one you know you’ll feel better doing or once it’s done? Your procrastination may be a sign of overwhelm, or disinterest, or fear. So how do we negotiate our unwillingness to tackle the undone? Like all things, we start at the beginning: we put what’s first first. Which means we determine the whys, the roots of the procrastination.

If there are projects you haven’t gotten to because your plate is full, is it possible to remove an item or two? If not, can the project itself be shifted to someone else? Delegation is not a sign of weakness. Leadership is about making decisions, putting resources to use, getting the job done. In short, let me reiterate advice I’m sure you’ve heard: delegate where you can.

If there are projects you haven’t gotten to because you’re disinterested, ask yourself if you really need to do them. Suppose you don’t do them? What happens? If the consequences are real for not getting them done, then, let me share some bad news –  it’s time to get adulting. We all know there are things we have to do for whatever reason, things that aren’t fun or interesting. Take a deep breath, (metaphorically) hold your nose, and get them done. If you find there aren’t real consequences for not getting those boring things done, do yourself the greatest of favors and let them go. Procrastination, putting off things we either think we should do or actually need to do, is a source of anxiety. If we can easily ameliorate some of the anxiety we experience because of a list of things we haven’t gotten to by removing something(s), do it.

If there are projects you haven’t tackled due to fear, what are you afraid of? Failing? Succeeding? Wasting your time? I say fail, succeed, and waste as much time as you’re able to. Push your limits. You may find you enjoy the outcome, if not the process. Or you may find you enjoy the process, if not the outcome. And if you don’t enjoy the outcome or the process, there’s always the next time. Because we don’t stop. Even if we sometimes procrastinate.

#LovingKindness Meditation

With everything going on in the world, today seems like a good day for a compassion-based loving kindness meditation. If the suggested phrases don’t work for you, please feel free to substitute your own.

Body Position

Close your eyes. Sit comfortably with your feet flat on the floor and your spine straight, hands on your lap, palms up. Relax your whole body and bring your awareness inward. Without straining or concentrating, gently follow the instructions below.

Take a deep breath in, and breathe out.

1. Loving Kindness (Self)

Keeping your eyes closed, repeat silently  5 times:

May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be safe. May I be free from suffering.

2. Loving Kindness (Relative/Friend)

Take a deep breath in, and breathe out.

Think of a cherished friend or relative, someone who inspires warm feelings. Repeat the following phrases, silently, 5 times:

May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you be free from suffering.

3. Loving Kindness (Neutral Person)

Take a deep breath in, and breathe out.

Bring to mind someone who brings to mind neutral feelings. It could be a neighbor, a barista, someone you see often but don’t know at all. Repeat the phrases below, silently, 5 times:

May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you be free from suffering.

4. Loving Kindness (All Living Beings)

Take a deep breath in, and breathe out. Expand your awareness to include everyone, globally, especially those you suspect are in deep pain. Repeat the phrases below, silently, 5 times.

May we all be happy. May we all be healthy. May we all be safe. May we all be free from suffering.

Take a deep breath in, breathe out. Another deep breath in and out.

When you’re ready, open your eyes.

 

 

Good Enough is Good Enough

Have you been plagued by the desire to do everything “right”? Do you have difficulty stepping away from projects that haven’t gone to plan? Or finishing projects because you can’t get them exactly how they’re supposed to be? Do you believe better is well, better?

Many of us are perfectionists. We’re sure getting it right, 100% right, all day, every day is the only way to move through the world.

Really?

Perfectionism is not innate. It’s a pattern of behavior, often learned to accommodate demanding people in our lives. These people occupy positions of authority; we know if we’re less than perfect, we’ll suffer the consequences.

We’ll be harangued.

We’ll be forced to redo, often from the beginning.

Understand perfection doesn’t exist. We can approximate it, often at great personal cost. Which leads to the reason we need to let go of the notion of perfection and negotiate the thorny road we’ve found ourselves upon.

Where possible, the best approach, the best way to deal with these people who demand the impossible, is to remove them or ourselves. If we can’t do either, we need to shift our mindset. Give it all you have, your everything. Or, better yet, give most of who you are. Or what you can spare. Save something for yourself, then step back. Then, step away.

Physically.

Emotionally.

Psychologically.

It may take a moment (or two or twenty) to convince yourself, but good enough is good enough.

 

 

 

Past as Present

The past is the past for a reason. We move through it, gliding through minutes and seconds and hours, experiencing, doing, being.

Who we were isn’t who we are.

Who we were isn’t who we are.

Unless we allow ourselves to get stuck.

We get stuck when we hit unanticipated outcomes, those we perceive as “bad.” We begin to question ourselves, our judgment, our very ability to do.

Think about this for a moment. Can good come of questioning ourselves? Certainly. By repeating the same questions? Probably not. Our judgment is what we have, it’s what we use, the guidance that takes us from Point A to Point B. If we deny our ability to make good decisions, how will we make any of them?

Sometimes, getting stuck manifests in reliving a crucial decision or potential outcome. The “What if?” the “I almost,” the “If (fill in the blank), then (fill in the blank).” Writers have known the power of imagination for years, but does imagination serve us under these circumstances? Perhaps – but only if we recognize the fiction for what it is, only when we move from constructed reality, minds’ eye musings, to the truth.

Repeat after me:

We’re not where we were.

We’re not who we were.

Whatever happened, happened.

I am more than this.

And while we may not be able to dispassionately assess what occurred (the capacity to do so should come with time, effort, and often assistance), we can choose to deny a blip on life’s radar the power to define us.

(Please note: for the purposes of this post, we’re addressing imagined scenarios, not actual ones.)

#MeditationMonday – Sound

Happy Monday! Have you meditated yet? No? Then, let’s begin this meditation that uses sound rather than breath as our anchor.

Find a place you can sit undisturbed. Set a timer for six minutes. Plant both feet firmly on the floor, rest your hands comfortably on your legs, palms up or down.

Close your eyes.

Listen to the sounds around you: the quiet rush of air outside, the hum of appliances, your breathing, whatever you hear. Let the sounds flow to you – don’t reach for them.

If you find you’ve begun to construct narratives related to the sounds, return your focus – without judgment – to simply listening:

To the murmurs.

To the dull thump of music.

To the click-clack of shoes on tile.

If you find the sounds volume or intensity overwhelming, turn your focus to your breath.

When the timer sounds, open your eyes.

#WednesdayWisdom – Speaking of Sound (Meditation)

I vividly recall my first attempt at a sound meditation. I was sitting in a lunchtime meditation session, trying to hear to the facilitator’s voice beneath an unexpected cacophony of ringing phones, loud conversations beyond us, and an occasional jackhammer solo next door. Given the ferocity of the sonic incursions, the facilitator wisely opted to have us focus on the sounds rather than breath.

It wasn’t easy. The chatting, ringing, and sirens were manageable, but the jackhammer and the drilling that followed were almost unbearable. I found myself returning to the breath as suggested given the potential overwhelm. I didn’t want to give up on the sound meditation though. When I felt the overstimulation abate, I shifted my focus back to the sounds.

Initially, I cursed my own persistence. The experience began to tread the line between  horrid and what was I thinking?

I wanted to quit. Stop and walk way.

Thankfully, I didn’t give in. I worked that meditation like I’ve never worked meditation before or since.

The session was one of the hardest I’ve ever participated in. It was like climbing a mountain, gaining a few feet, then losing ground as I slipped down those feet – plus – along the cliff face. The facilitator owned as much as she exhaled sharply at the session’s end. “That,” she said, “was difficult.”

Indeed.

I count my blessings my subsequent sound meditations have never approached that level of difficulty. I also know having experience that afternoon’s varied soundscape, other sessions will inevitably seem like glass, smooth and slick, and not like climbing mountains at all. And if they don’t, no longer a novice, I absolutely know what’s required me regarding the climb.

#MeditationMonday – Sound Meditation

Happy Monday! Have you meditated yet? If not, let’s do. And if you haven’t tried using sound rather than breath as our anchor, today is your lucky day. If you’ve tried sound meditation previously, consider this a refresher.

Find a place you can sit undisturbed. Set a timer for five and a half minutes. Plant both feet firmly on the floor, rest your hands comfortably on your legs, palms up or down.

Close your eyes.

Listen to the sounds around you: the quiet rush of air outside, the hum of appliances, your breathing, whatever you hear. Let the sounds flow to you – don’t reach for them.

If you find you’ve begun to construct narratives related to the sounds, return your focus – without judgment – to simply listening:

To the murmurs.

To the dull thump of music.

To the click-clack of shoes on tile.

If you find the sounds volume or intensity overwhelming, turn your focus to your breath.

When the timer sounds, open your eyes.

#ThursdayThoughts – Don’t Be a Sheep

Do you spend your days blindly following? Meditation can provide the mental space to stop doing what everyone else does and listening to what everyone else thinks. Meditation can also deliver precious time for you to hear what’s going on in your own mind.

Remember: you don’t need to commit hours to reap the benefits. Try 5-10 minute sessions. You’ll be amazed. #meditation